A reminder to myself

Yesterday, I lost my temper.  I know we all lose our tempers at times, but this was not pretty.

I want to blame it on one (or three) of three things:

First, I'm a mom.

Second, I'm almost 38 weeks pregnant.  (I could probably stop here, ha!)

Third, I'm a human living in a broken state, in a broken world.

While all three of these are true, it doesn't justify my actions, or my words.

For me in particular, it all boils down to perfectionism and control.  I have a tendency to believe this twisted notion that:
"If I'm doing my job as a parent, my children will be perfect."

I don't think I'm the only mom that struggles with this.  I think a lot of us moms place the complete burden of raising our children on ourselves.  Deep down, when things don't go the way we expect and when our children don't behave the way we expect, we blame no one but ourselves.  We forget that not only are we not perfect, but our children aren't either.

Yes, we have the job of teaching and guiding and disciplining and cultivating virtue in our children.  But grace must go hand-in-hand with that job.  And not just grace for our children, which is so easy to give, but grace for ourselves (not so easy to give).

I can't base my worth off of the way my children turn out.  They are persons, too.  They have been born with the privilege of choosing their own way.  Even now, when they are little, they have choices to make.  And if they make the wrong choices, it's not because I'm a crappy parent.

Of course, that doesn't mean that I don't try, that I don't do the best I can to teach them.  I do believe that, as a parent, I must educate myself and grow myself in order to effectively guide and teach and discipline.  And I must be consistent in doing those things.  But after that, I must let go.

I must have faith.

It always comes down to faith, doesn't it?  Believing that God is faithful.  Believing that He is the one who works in our, and our children's, hearts.  Believing that He is the one who changes us, if we are willing, to become like Christ, and He will do the same with our children.

God has given us a gift when He gave us our children.  They bring so much joy and laughter and love into our lives.  But our children are not the only gift.  God has given us the gift of growing in Him, through the task of raising our children.  Being a mother has been the ultimate test for me.  I can think of no other time in my life when my patience, my will, my faith, and everything else, have been tested and tried as these last 6 1/2 years.  And it will be an on-going process throughout my entire life.

So I must relax.  I must cast this burden that I'm choosing to carry onto Christ.  I must believe that He is working, not only in my children, but also in me.

And I must seek joy and love in the process, and focus on the good, the true, and the beautiful.

When I want to give up

So.  This whole staying-at-home-and-homeschooling thing is not the easiest job in the world.  (And I know you're thinking...uhh, hello?)  And, yes, I knew that going into it.

And it may be harder for me than someone else because of the way I am.  I'm a perfectionist.  I expect things to go my way.  I have a tendency to get frustrated when they don't.  And I'm hard on myself.  I sometimes wonder if I'm cut out for this.

I haven't officially begun homeschooling my kids just yet, but I will at some point this year.  My oldest just turned 6 (!!) and will begin year one (aka first grade) in the next several months.  The thing is, I'm pregnant with our third child and due in September.  So this is a big year - officially beginning homeschooling and having a new baby in the house!

Now I really wonder if I'm cut out for this.

But I can't think like that.  I just can't.  That's where it starts...believe me, I know.  It starts in my mind, with me telling myself that I just can't do it, that it's too hard.

I can't let myself believe that it will be too hard.  I can't tell myself, "Oh, I don't know how I'm going to do it.  So I may as well just give up."

I won't give up.

No, it won't be easy.  But I won't give up.

It will be hard.  But I won't give up.

I will be tired and I will cry and weep.  But I won't give up.

I will want to give up.

But I won't give up.

Now I know I could make things easier and less stressful.  I could go back to work - then I wouldn't spend the majority of my days disciplining my kids, cleaning up after them, etc.  It sure sounds less stressful when you're on this side of the fence.  Or I could send the kids to public school.

But to me, that would be giving up because those two things are very important to me:  staying home and homeschooling my children.  I'm not saying that I think every mother should do these two things, but I truly feel that God has called me to do so, for many reasons of which I may write about in the future.

C.S. Lewis wrote in his book Mere Christianity:

"That is why we must not be surprised if we are in for a rough time.  When a man turns to Christ and seems to be getting on pretty well (in the sense that some of his bad habits are now corrected) he often feels that it would now be natural if things went fairly smoothly.  When troubles come along - illnesses, money troubles, new kinds of temptations - he is disappointed.  These things, he feels, might have been necessary to rouse him and make him repent in his bad old days; buy why now?  Because God is forcing him on, or up, to a higher level:  putting him into situations where he will have to be very much braver, or more patient, or more loving, than he ever dreamed of being before.  It seems to us all unncessary:  but that is because we have not yet had the slightest notion of the tremendous thing He means to make of us." 

I won't give up because I know that God is working in me and this is how - through my staying at home with my children.  He is making me more loving, patient, kind, gentle.  He is teaching me to give myself.  He is making me like Him.  And that is not easy because it's against every fiber of my selfish, sinful being.  I want to run away and do what I think is easiest for me.

But the only way is to do the opposite.  To lose myself and run to Him, trusting that He will give me all that I need.

Linking up with:

Habits and motherhood

I've been reading several books lately and one of them is Stepping Heavenward by Elizabeth Prentiss (which you can find for free online in many places - just google it).  I so recommend this book for any Christian - this is one of those books that makes you think about your faith; it's so real in depicting the journey to spiritual maturity.  I think it's a little better suited for a woman, though, because it's written from the perspective of one.  I honestly don't think my husband would enjoy it, even though he would get a lot out of it.

There are so many quotes from this book that have I've written down, but I narrowed it down to two to share with you.  They are both related to motherhood.

"If I had begun in earnest to serve God when I was as young as these children are, how many wrong habits I should have avoided; habits that entangle me now as in so many nets." (p.50)

This quote also has some Charlotte Mason (CM) undertones, with the reference of habits.  But it's so true!  We are creatures of habit and I believe wholeheartedly that it's our job as parents to do our best in training our children up in good habits.  And of those habits, what's more important than training our children to think of God with love?

It reminds me of a couple of quotes by CM:

"The poor man endures anguish, is torn asunder in the process of recovery which his parents might have spared him had they trained the early shoots which should develop by-and-by into the character of their child." (Volume 1, p.104)

The child "depends upon his parents; it rests with them to initiate the thoughts he shall think, the desires he shall cherish, the feelings he shall allow...from this initiation will result in habits of thought and feeling which govern the man--his character." (Volume 1, p.111)

These quotes are talking more about the character of a person, but I think they apply just as much to training our children in faith and loving and serving God.  Of course, we can't control every thought and decision our children make, but we can do our very best to train up our children, knowing that God is faithful in our efforts.

Oh what a task we have!

Oh yeah, I have another quote!

"A young girls' mother is her natural refuge in any perplexity." p.42 

This reminds me of how much of an influence I have on my two girls; how they look up to me and admire me.  How I hope to be to them what my own mother is to me - she is my best friend (besides my husband, of course, ha).  I can go to her with anything and she will listen and love me and provide wisdom.

What do you think?  I love to read your comments!

Linked up with: